the BR is finally here

oh gosh where do i even start from?

ok first thing first

i have finally paid for my breast reduction and have already booked a date..13 october

wait a minute...ITS TOMORROW!!!!!!

i dont knw how to feel

i feel grateful to God but now am scared as hell

oh jesus please help me i cant do this without you

i pray for quick recovery and no complications

i keep reading stories upon stories online on how people recover

i just pray it goes well

but it wasnt easy paying for this operation

many obstacles along the way but am happy my mummy is okay with it

am reducing my boobs to a B cup

i still wonder how people will acccept my new look

but that is not my main priority now

i am just gonna stay strong and positive

and i put everything in God's hands

oh jesus i trust you

will update you later on my post op story

what is ahead?

i have been trying my possible best not to think about what is gonna happen in the future

inna is going and am going to be alone in this house

that is not even the problem because am seriously tired of hanging out with girls

i have been with my friends for so long

its like i spend too much time with my friends

i need my space, they need their own space

apart from staying alone, i have to also think about the financial aspect of

paying the rent alone.

And they keep looking at me en wondering in their heads wen am just gonna get a boyfriend

oh God the pressure is just too much

i have a plan but i dont even know if its gonna work

i just feel like going somewhere...

like someone should just tell me that my real family is paris or something

and i can for the holiday there and find the perfect family

though i love my mum en it will break her heart so i dont think dats d perfect fantasy

but i just wish my life was more exciting

and right now i have no money for a trip my friends r organising

meaning i might be alone in niali

what am i gonna do what am i gonna do what am i gonna do!

i just pray i dont do something stupid out of desperation

i need a miracle!

oh jesus save your hopless poor child

loads of things on my mind

have alot of sch work
found out i might have polycystic ovary syndrome

emailed my dad about it

he hasnt even called

took some drugs to push my period

it hasnt come yet

and am just...i dnt noe i cant describe it,,am fed up

saw khalil few days back

been thinking...

am nostalgic abt d whole thing

i cant go 2 d church

i cant seem to connect back with God

i need a shrink

but basically d period is freaking me out

am having abdominal pain

for like a week but still no blood

i check my panties all d tyme 4 blood

u can imagine hw desperate i am 2 see my periods

yet other gals HATE IT SO BADLY

BUT I LOVE IT AND I WISH I HAD IT ALL D TYME

its d only thing dat reminds me am a woman

apart from my enormous boobs though which i hate

oh God wot am i supposed 2 do?

brandy everyday

am listening to broken hearted by brandy and wanya morris while writing this....
"am young but am wise enough to knw dat u dnt fall in love overnite"
"thats y i tot if i took my time dat everything in love would be rite"
"but as soon as i close my eyes i was singing to love goodbye..."
those lines describes my life...
u see rite from time i always believed dat if i did the right thing at d rite tyme den all will be well
my friends started havingboyfriends in sec sch but i told myself i will wait till university
first year ...nothing
second year ...absolutely nothing
third year...welll its may and its still nothing
its not like some losers havnt asked me out
nobody seems to be worth it
but funny enough that is not the problem because i can bet myself a million bucks that if a perfect man of my dream comes to ask me out now...
I WILL STILL SAY NO
ITS ALL BECAUSE OF FEAR...
afraid of being rejected because my extremely fragile heart cant take it
low self esteem that am not gud enuf'
so i build walls of jericho around my heart
or rather still...i tell my myself that i wont date him till am gud enuf for him physically
the clock is ticking tik tok tik tok
my friends are beginning to suspect that my case is just as sympathetic as a sorrowful movie like sarafina
yet i cant stop myself from this madness
i just sit down and watch my friends live their lives
i wave them goodbye as they go 4 their sleepovers with their lovers
while i shut the door and curl myself on my bed and listen to brandy and wanya morris
am not broken hearted due to a relationship
am broken hearted due to emptyness and endless repitition of my neverchanging life...
just like a bird flying away from its home
it always comes back to her nest

i have to change

Jst luk at those abs…wot does she have to complain abt ???

She doesn’t have to wake up every morning and hate seeing herself in the mirror

She has no problem looking for clothes to wear or spend hours luking 4 a top to wear everyday from her wretched piles of cloth

She does not have to wear black just to cover up her big low self esteem breast and protruding stomach

She definitely don’t have to repeat two mark and Spenser’s bra everyday jst because she cant get her size in any other shop

She doesn’t have to worry about finding clothes to wear when going shopping or trying dozens of tops to check if it fits d big breast knowing fully well it doesn’t fit

She does not have to wonder if she will forever remain single because she is so damn unattractive to guys

She doesn’t have to be the perpetual listener to other people’s relationship stories knowing that she has never been in a single relationship and she is 20 years old

She DEFINITELY DOESN’T NOT HAVE TO SPEND 5000 DOLLARS JST TO REDUCE HER BOOBS

She doesn’t have to worry of skipping a semester of school and using her school fees just to pay for this operation

She doesn’t have to worry every single night if she should just carry on with the operation or remain terribly unhappy for the rest of her life

She doesn’t have to worry if she will ever get married in this life or just be the perpetual bridesmaid for all her friends

is it called friendship?

wer am i even going to start? i dont even knw becuz alot has happened lately and am still trying to arrange everythin in my head...ok lemme start by saying seriously..neva neva xpect alot from someone...i know odas hav a great story to tell wen it cums to their bestfrends betraying dem,,,i mean sum hav experienced their close friends snatching their boyfriends, hubby or woteva...for sum reason i neva rilly gave it a big thot until it happened 2 me...AM NOT SAYING MA BBF TOOK MA BF O...wich boy ma sef mchheeeeeeeeeew(dat iz anoda chapter of my lif)..lol ok it goes like this...

in friendship, there are alwayz boundaries no mata how close u guyz r as friends...even sisters ma sef...der is always a line...and once dat line is crossed there is bound to be problems. i hav cum 2 realise dat RESPECT 4 one anoda is very very...i mean very essential in a friendship...becuz once der is no respect..chick ur in 4 HOT FISH PEPPER SOUP PREPARED WITH CAMEROON PEPPER..(like pepper soup is nt prepared wif pepper..dumbass) anyway as i was saying my own experience was dat a chick i reffered to as my sister crossed my line..and luking at it from a bitter point of view...(i dont mean am bitter)...i tink it was partly my fault becuz am a crazy loyal friend...i knw am very sweet and i can do crazy tins 4 my friends thou am nt perfect but i can vow dat am a gud friend...and d funny tin is once peeps knw dat ur diz sweet, dey tend to take advantage of d situation...so u see lets give guyz a break..CHICKS r also annoying...

the main point is...i have learnt my lesson...God allow things to happen in other to open ur eyes and see d little things we choose to ignore in peeps...it kinda sucks wen u lose a rilly gud friend but u jst hav 2 suck it in and face ur life...tho it sucks but am happy dat it happened cuz such experience makes us wiser and stronger...i mean once u can overcome such things den knw dat u can be strong to face oda challenges to cum.

so wot do u do wen ur faced in such horrible situations?

turn to God..we all knw dat Jesus is d source of joy and love and he will surely help us pass thru every ugly step

try and forgive...this is rilly rilly a difficult part cuz its not easy 2 forgive sumone hu is nt even sorry 4 her actions and u get 2 see d person evry freaking DAY....did i mention dat dis rilly sucks?..but we as christians jst have to let it go so God in heaven will also 4give us of all our sins

and take this point seriously...ONCE U KEEP GRUDGES AGANST SOMEONE...IT ONLY GIVES D PERSON A POWER OVER U... meaning d person is so powerful dat she or he can decide 2 make u feel so moody and hateful even wen u wer feeling happy jst a second ago..

Face wots more important in ur life....4 me its my STUDIES.. and u knw wot? once i gat my studies and my God in d perfect pace, i dnt rilly give a damn abt anyoda thing...apart from my family and myself tho...llol

and u knw wot? i still gat oda friends by my side...not too bad rite?

i know everything is gonna be just fine..so am gonna keep smiling...giggles giggles giggles....

left overs

there is still leftovers when it comes to loneliness

you flip thru their pictures and you just wonder

how happy they are

probably saying "its gud to be me"

i knw am not to judge the book by the cover

but atleast there is a book about them isnt there?

i still think half is better than nothing

and thats what it is...nothing

this cake so sweet and addictive

some have tasted it

some got destroyed in the process of tasting it or trying to taste it

i was only fortunate to sniff the aroma

and i know if i had not,i will probably be dead inside now

the thing is i know why mine is so difficult to find

i dont blame anyone

i dont even blame myself

i just wish i could do something about it

have already decided that i will only see the light

if i move to the brighter side

but the options are getting grey

without this i cannot taste

therefore i wait...and wait for what i dont know

while i wait i can only dream and wish i were you.